Thinking back through my spiritual, emotional, and physical relationships with women, I realized that of my 6 girlfriends since high school and all of my other relationships with women (mother and friends), very few of their biological fathers were present in their lives. That led me to ask myself two questions:
1. What does that say about me?
2. How can I change it?
So here’s my best shot!
1. What does that say about me?
My original question was ‘What does that say about society’? But, I am a direct reflection of society, therefore, the true question is ‘What does that say about me?’ and rather than falsely accuse society, the daughterless fathers, or the fatherless daughters, I must evaluate myself.
Looking for a mom: Looking myself in the mirror, I realized that I was scarred from a turbulent 10 years with my mother. I bought into the mindset that I was looking for a mother as opposed to a spiritual partner, which was unfair to any woman I engaged with. Many of my partners resembled my mother in many ways…both good and bad. I viewed my relationships as mechanisms to fill a familiar void rather than as a mechanism to build something brand new from where I was.
Failing at father: I also realized that in SOME unhealthy cases, I arrogantly thought I was man enough to serve as my partners’ partner and father when I was mentally, emotionally, and spiritually still a boy. Though none of my partners ever called me ‘daddy’, I believed that I could fulfill any fatherly expectations they had financially, physically, and emotionally. That was false.
2. How can I change it?
Balance my friendships: Oftentimes friendships are gender heavy. Men have a crew of men and women have a crew of women. Though brother and sister circles are important, the union of those circles is even more important and I should seek to have a healthy balance of male and female energy in my life.
Mentor younger women: As a mentor, my tendency has been to mentor younger males considering that they have typically been fatherless too, but instead of gravitating toward males, I should seek opportunities to mentor younger women because they need a healthy balance of males energy as well. Positive father figures are good (but not perfect) substitutes for fatherlessness.
Commit to and prepare for fatherhood now: Not too long ago I almost became a father, but since then, I have realized that the commitment and preparation for fatherhood begin now with my own personal growth and preparation for the future. Fatherhood begins with the collective upbringing of the youth (biological and non) in our community, not when our partner gets pregnant.
