Is the Fear of Success a Myth?

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I used to blame my lack of success on my fear of success. I would tell myself “I’m afraid of it, that’s why I don’t have it yet.” Fear of success sounded better than fear of failure to me. But at the end of the day, it was just plain fear, not fear of success. Fear was stopping me from taking the risks necessary to succeed in the way that I wanted to. I later came to realize that being fearless didn’t mean having no fear—it meant having less fear than the desire to succeed.

Success Doesn’t Mean Never Failing

If we think fear of failure pushes us towards success, where does fear of success push us? Toward failure? The fear we have literally repels success. I’m not suggesting that fear of failure is a good thing either. The fear of failure simply repels failure. We assume that no failure means success, when in fact it means taking no risks, thus being very average. Fear, in general, whether it’s the fear of success or fear of failure, usually doesn’t lead us to what we want.

Success and failure aren’t polar opposites like we imagine them. They are very close on the spectrum of success as the image below suggests. Someone who is not a “success” or “failure” is average. And that’s where most people end up. They are only willing to do what most people do, therefore they get the same results that most people get. Though it may seem counterintuitive, success is positively correlated with more failures. Usually, the more you fail, the closer you are getting to success.

Why Do We Fear Success?

Success is what we want right? If so, then why do we fear it?

We typically fear two things:
1. Things we don’t understand and/or
2. Things we think will bring our death.

As crazy as it may seem, success fits both of these criteria.

We don’t understand success, despite how much we desire it. Nobody knows why two twins born with the same circumstances have two completely different degrees of success. Nobody knows why you can plant handfuls of seeds and all of them don’t become trees. Even “successful” people can’t explain exactly why they succeeded that one time, with the rare exception of those who have replicated their success over and over and over again. As Malcolm Gladwell laid out in his book Outliers, there are so many factors that contribute to success that “successful” individuals had no control over such as the date of their birth in relationship to where the economy and technology would evolve to as they matured into professionals.

On top of that, many of us have never even defined success for ourselves. Success is this vague idea or feeling that floats aimlessly in our head. Until we define success for ourselves, we adopt society’s default dashboard for success which is money, power, wealth, fame, and beauty. But when I train people in lifestyle design and have them define success for themselves in one specific sentence with three metrics, they typically come up with something unique—# of places traveled, # of lives touched, # of meals shared with others, # of stories written, # of students taught, # of grateful moments, # of prayers for others, # of smiles I put on others’ faces, # of dollars saved, # of free hours each week, # of mentees, # of marathons run, etc. Once each individual defines the game they are playing, then they can make life choices to succeed at their game.

We also perceive that success can bring us death. There are plenty of examples of “successful“ celebrities who seemingly died because of their success: Vincent van Gogh, Don Cornelius, Marilyn, Monroe, Robin Williams, Heath Ledger, Kurt Cobain, Ernest Hemingway, Socrates, Junior Seau, Amy Winehouse, Jimmy Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, Basquiat, Tupac, and Notorious B.I.G.. Biggie said it best, “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems.”

But when I talk about success bringing us death, I don’t just mean in a physical sense. Success requires that old parts of ourselves die. We can’t hold on to our old selves and expect to achieve new heights at the same time. Dave Chappelle and Lauryn Hill are two examples of successful people who tried to get out before their success consumed their lives—both of them have had mixed results. And then there are stories of celebrities’ fall from grace that gossip columns feed off of like Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Kat Williams, Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Mike Tyson, M.C. Hammer, etc. Subconsciously, these stories stay with us and make us think that success has an ulterior motive.

What Do We Really Fear?

While “fear of success” is the language that we use, I think we fear something deeper.

1. Fear of succeeding at something you don’t ultimately want:

It’s easy to get great at something you hate and when you get great at something, you attract more of it. As a results, a lot of people are torn because they are earning success through a talent, industry, or career they don’t really like. They may have enjoyed it initially, but we all evolve and so do our passions and we may not want that thing we became known for at 28 to define the rest of our lives. One of the hardest questions in life to answer is “What do I want?” We look to successful people’s lives and say “I want that.” But deep down inside we’re not sure because everything we choose comes with a trade-off. We want to travel the world, but we also want to be with family and have close friendships. Can we have both?

2. Fear of succeeding and not being able to keep it up:

We also fear the one-hit-wonder syndrome. Nobody wants to be Vanilla Ice. We know that some success can be attributed to earned luck, which means we aren’t in full control of it. As a results, we’re afraid that we won’t be able to replicate success and thus look like a lucky fraud. Every string of success comes to an end at some point, but true success is defined by how you navigate failure and bounce back.

3. Fear of succeeding and your life spiraling out of control:

Many people want to be “wildly” successful, but with wild success can come a wild life that you no longer control. Your time may be controlled by everyone but you. Unless you are intentional about it, your life could be planned 3-6 months in advance and have no room for spontaneity. Many of today’s CEOs live like this. Though they get paid a lot and can enjoy their financial freedom later, they have absolutely no time freedom now. They’ve essentially sold their life to the will of the company and customers.

4. Fear of succeeding and feeling alone:

They say “It’s lonely at the top.” If only a few can rise to the top and you happen to be one of them, where does that leave your family and friends? You can afford to live in a neighborhood that they can’t afford so you see each other less. You can afford to take trips 6 times a year while they have to save up all year just to take one. Your budget for fun exceeds half of their income, so they can only come if you treat. While success requires a team, that team may not always be the people who matter to you most, so you start feeling a sense of separation from those you love.

The keys overcoming these deeper fears are to:
1. Define success for yourself.
2. Establish a healthy relationship with failure.
3. Say “No” to some good opportunities to create space for yourself.
4. Create boundaries that align with who and what you value.

While it may sound cute, the fear of success doesn’t serve us—and neither does the fear of failure. It’s hard to enjoy any journey when fear is the driver. The opposite of fear is faith. Have faith in success. Have faith in the midst of failure. Faith will take you farther than fear.

Wishing you more happy hours,