My Recovery From Workaholism Week #4: My 86 Year Old Godmother’s Business Advice

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Hey,

This week has been interesting. My hard drive crashed, so I’ve been without my 3rd hand for 3 days. Thank God for Apple Care and automated backups. I also achieved a dream of mine. On Monday, I hired my little brother. I always wanted to be able to hire a family member and he happened to be moving to New York from Cali and he has some skills that I think can create value for my businesses.

I believe that leadership and trust in others is a key to curing workaholism. As a workaholic, I’ve been trying to do everything on my own—even stuff that I know I shouldn’t be doing, don’t want to do, or I’m not great at doing.

He is my half-brother (but we don’t call each other that).

I had two doctors as parents, but they worked hard. They left home before the sun was up and didn’t come home until it was down. Sometimes they were on call during the weekends. As a result, my parents missed some important events in my life—recitals, sports games, Boy Scout wood car derby’s, etc.They could afford all of these activities, but they couldn’t afford to be there.

Essentially, I had the Cosby family, but it didn’t feel like it, especially when they got divorced. I was confused. I thought my parents were working hard for me, but work seemed to be pulling them away from me instead. There were parents in the baseball stands who earned a fraction of what my parents made and that didn’t make sense to me. They had financial freedom, but no time freedom.

That’s why I hate the Cosbys.

The Cosbys didn’t paint an honest picture of what it meant to have a doctor and lawyer as heads of household. I don’t know how the heck they were home in the middle of the day on weekdays and seemed to be so stress free. I don’t know any doctors or lawyers like that. Do you?

I love my parents, but I don’t want to parent like them. They are the reason I didn’t want to become a doctor, though I feel my work is still lifestyle and healing work like theirs.

I believe that there is another way to live where work at corporations, non-profits, and even our own companies doesn’t chew us up and spit us out after 40+ years. I believe there is a fine line between living to work and working to live. I believe we can have everything we want as long as we don’t want everything.

Fortunately, I saw alternatives—some of which I shared last week.

Carmen Kelly is my godmother. I call her Aunt Carmen or Grandma.

She owns Carmen & Family BBQ in Hayward, California. I’ve seen her support an entire family of 4 kids and 8 grandchildren through that business. The franchise is now at 3 restaurants. Her sons own the other two and her daughter helps her run the one in Hayward. Everyone in the family has worked there.

auntcarmen

Today, she is 86 years old and she still happily works 5 days a week.

Instead of being behind the counter like she used to be, now she is in front of the counter greeting all of the customers with her warm spirit, boisterous personality, and loud voice. Everyone in Hayward, California knows her from the judges to the police officers to the teachers to the construction workers. She has probably fed half the city.

She also has 3 properties—one she used to live in, the one she lives in now, and an income property. I was raised in the first one in Oakland. Everyone lived there. I think it was a 2 bedroom and a basement. Granny, Aunt Carmen’s mom, took care of me as a child. My mom or dad would pick me up from there after work. This was my safe haven while they were going through their divorce.

Hayward is a 15 minute drive from East Oakland. Once my friends started driving during high school, anytime we would pass through Hayward we would stop by the restaurant. I didn’t drive, so I would tell my friends that I would get them something to eat at my family’s restaurant. Free BBQ always got them to exit the freeway.

Every time I would go, Aunt Carmen would be sitting on the second stool from the left near the wireless phone turned sideways watching the TV above the soda machine. I like to sneak up on her and just kiss her on the cheek.

She yells “Jullien! Come here baby. I’m so happy to see you.” She grabs my face with both hands and kissed me on the cheek. And then lets everyone in the restaurant know with a big smile that I’m her grandson and that I went to UCLA or Stanford and I graduated in 3 years.

After that, she always asks, “What do I want to eat?” She knows my answer “A combo of ribs, chicken, and links with mild sauce.” And then she has someone behind the counter prepare my plate in addition to my friends’ plates. She still sets our table even though I tell her “I’ll do it Grandma.”

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FYI: Ribs, links, chicken, & potato salad. Ginger beer is a non-alcoholic soda.

The restaurant recently celebrated 30 years. My Uncle Abe, her ex-husband, bought the restaurant for her as a gift for one of their wedding anniversaries. At first she didn’t want it. But now she has come to love it. It’s her life. Her name is on the front.

This is a woman that has no formal higher education—just a big heart.

In the same way she took me into her home as a child, she does the same thing with her customers and that’s why they come back. Everybody calls her “Carmen.”

Rather than separating her from her family like most forms of employment do, the restaurant allowed her to bring her family closer together and extend her family through her customers. Every one of her kids and grandkids has worked there at some point.

Carmen is doing her life work even though she resisted it at first. This is what she was called to do. I can’t see her doing anything else. She showed me that is was possible to:

1. make an abundant living
2. doing something you love
3. as an entrepreneur
4. regardless of educational attainment
5. without sacrificing other values like family

She showed me that I didn’t have compromise family for work or work for family.

Many women are delaying marriage and kids for their careers when they shouldn’t feel like they have to. The two can and must be integrated and I’m filled with a sense of pride that this is my lineage.

That inspires me. She inspire me to create a life where I love what I do, but who I am is not defined by what I do. She helped me see that moderation does not mean being average and that it’s possible to make meaning and money at the same time.

Because of her, now it’s my turn to be an example of what it means to be “well-thy” (=wealth + healthy mind, body, soul, and relationships).

I wasn’t wooed by entrepreneurship in the way that we were wooed by The Cosby’s. The Cosby show didn’t paint that picture of professional life. I saw the full picture—pros and cons—of growing up inside an entrepreneurial family. At first the tradeoff is time freedom for financial freedom, but then it evens out.

The Cosby’s made it look easy. A doctor who is never on call and a stress-free lawyer both home in the middle of the day. That wasn’t my reality. They were always working. They left early. Came home late. We rarely ate together. Weekends were full of paperwork for work. I want to be a present partner and parent.

That doesn’t guarantee long lasting love. But it does give it better chance. That doesn’t guarantee that my kids want me there all of the time. But it does align with my value of family first.

Aunt Carmen’s life showed me the flexibility and time freedom that came with doing your own thing.

Because at the end of the day, what are we working for? To take care of our family right? Somewhere in between make as much money as you can at any cost for your family and only one parent/partner working full-time is a line that I believe Aunt Carmen found.

When we don’t feel we can say “No” to money or an employer, we have no power. Aunt Carmen taught me what it means to have enough and be extremely grateful for what you have. There is nothing more powerful than choice…to be able to do what you want to do when you want to do it. And I know it is possible because of my Aunt Carmen.

Let me know if you have someone in your life who inspires you and lets you know that another way is possible.

Sincerely,

Jullien